I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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