We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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