Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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