Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
