Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
