Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
