How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
