people are starting to question the shark bite story
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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