why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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