I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
