im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
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