He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I think my moral compass just broke
He did a backflip because drugs
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
