You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
