yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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