this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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