drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
