I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You're like the curious george of whores
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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