Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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