just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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