currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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