I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
