I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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