Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
