how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
