Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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