Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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