apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
