Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Randomize
