Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
