i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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