im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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