Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
