btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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