So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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