She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
