If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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