Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
