i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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