I am spending my child support on dildos
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
