thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
