i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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