I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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