My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
