I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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