1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
