worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
