just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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