I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
