It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Houston, we have a blender
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
