Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
