it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
