So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
It's like God shit irony all over that family
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
