Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
