dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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