At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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