if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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