i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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