the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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